dykosaur

thinkspeakstress:

I didn’t cross out her name because she used a fake one. Again, she is red, I am blue.

This is what she messaged me after the status conversation. Take note of how she not only makes it about her, but willfully misses the point, which is that white people bullying other white people, isn’t racism. Note that she makes it a point for me to know that she’s crying. Note that she claims to know that saying the word “nigger” is wrong, but then proceeds to use it anyway, and then tries to blame it on her depression, deny that she intentionally used it, and then says that she used it intentionally to prove a point… and then gets upset when I say that she used it intentionally. Note that she tries to say that me “yelling” at her is the same as her calling me a nigger. Note how she tries to say I’m not emotionally stable enough to have the conversation to begin with. That’s Bingo at least 3 ways over the board, is it not?

Immediately after THIS conversation, she called me. I ignored it, so she left a message. In it, she was sobbing, insisting that she’s not racist. She made it a point to let me know how much I had hurt her. She also explained her usage of the word nigger… and proceeded to use it again. “The reason I used the word nigger is because I needed you to understand how badly you’re hurting me right now. The way you feel when you get called a nigger? That’s how I feel with how you’re yelling at me right now.” And she went on to explain how she’s not racist because “I babysit a little Black girl. My brother called her a nigger. It hurt me so badly.” Her. Not the little girl. Her.

I didn’t call her back, but let me put into perspective how much racism hurts: This happened in January. And there hasn’t been a week since that I haven’t thought about this whole situation. And every time I think about it, I feel angry and hurt and shaken all over again. After this happened, I isolated myself for a week because I couldn’t handle being around anyone who was white. After this happened, I still considered calling her and issuing an apology that I don’t even owe, so that we could get back to being friends. I considered sticking myself right back in that toxic relationship again just so that this would stop hurting me. And this whole thing still hurts. Five months after it happened. In fact, I’ve spent the past five months deliberating on whether or not to even share this incident with you guys.

I want you to realize that all of this came about because I said one thing: “You, as a white person, have privilege, and you do not know what it is like to experience racism. Please don’t say that you understand when you don’t.”

I also want you to realize this: this is a woman who called me her family. This is the woman I had a wonderful friendship with for nineteen years. She called me her best friend (I didn’t really return the sentiment, but I considered her to be one of my closest friends nonetheless). She would introduce me to everyone as her sister. And then, this happened. This was the last time we spoke, for my own mental and emotional well-being’s sake.

And now, 5 months later, she’s texting me out of the blue.

White people, when PoC say they don’t trust you and it takes time? This is why. Because even after nearly twenty years of friendship, we have to be worried that you will turn around and stab us in the back. Because you always have that power to do so. And unless you are actively showing that you are an ally (not just saying you are one); unless you are willing to confront your own privilege when we call you out on it, even after you think that you “can’t be racist” anymore…. we are worried and afraid and constantly on our guard, and will continue to be around you. Because this is something that happens. So when Riley and other PoC here are talking about their distrust of white people? We’re not saying that we think you’re shifty. We’re saying that we are aware of the boulder that you have hanging over our heads, that will never go away. We’re saying that you might think you’re strong enough to hold it up yourself, but unless you’re willing to listen to us when we speak and tell you that your hold is slipping, that boulder is going to crush us.

When we talk about how we need white people to prove it before they get every ounce of our trust? Instead of getting mad, remember that it’s you who has the power and whether you like it or not, it’s always the boulder right over our heads. The onus is on you. And when we say that we’re wary of you, understand that this is the reason why. Because at any moment, you can let go of that boulder and crush us, like countless other people before you have.

(via karnythia)